How to Manage Your Inner Critic

We all have one — that judgmental inner voice that says mean things, ironically, in order to protect us and drive us to do better, be better. It keeps us up at night, makes it hard to focus, creates distress, and makes it difficult to accept ourselves as is. Our inner critics are equal-opportunity commentators, weighing in on virtually every aspect of our lives. They bully us into regret, rumination, and shame.

So why do we do it? Why are we so hard on ourselves? This is a complex question to answer. For some, we’ve internalized the voices of those who raised us — people who, in an effort to secure our success in life, may have used criticism to push us to improve. Over time, we took over the reins, and these voices became our own. Commonly, the inner critic represents a flawed belief that we are not “good enough,” leading us to use self-criticism as a way to self-correct and avoid failures. Regardless of its origin story, an inner critic can significantly affect not only our mood but also our self-perception and beliefs about ourselves.

Here’s the catch: our brains are hardwired with a negativity bias — the tendency not only to pay more attention to negative stimuli but also to give them greater weight than positive ones. This hardwiring was reinforced by evolution: in order for our primitive ancestors to survive, they had to remain vigilant for threats or danger — it was literally a matter of life or death. The thing is, not all tigers are going to eat us, but our brains don’t always know the difference. They will almost always err on the side of caution as a way to protect us.

So, how do we change the way we think about ourselves when we’re hardwired to see the negative? What do we do when our brains are predisposed to scan for evidence that legitimizes our self-criticisms?

1. Be skeptical about your self-criticisms

The good thing about knowing our brains have a negativity bias — and sometimes sound the alarm when there isn’t a real threat — is that it allows us to be skeptical about whether our self-criticisms (and the “evidence” supporting them) are real.

Here’s another fun fact: the stronger we feel about something, the more likely we are to believe it’s true. There’s a popular saying in the therapy world: “Feelings aren’t facts.” Just because you feel something doesn’t mean it’s true. For example, just because you feel guilty for canceling plans with a friend doesn’t mean that friend is mad at you or that you are a bad friend.

2. Be curious

Sometimes we try to avoid potential negative consequences by criticizing ourselves as a way to keep ourselves “in line.” Be curious and ask yourself:

• “What am I trying to protect myself from?”

• “What evidence am I not considering?”

The answers might surprise you — or they might help you realize that your self-criticism isn’t actually protecting you at all.

Example:

• Situation: You berate yourself for being late to a meeting after your commuter bus had a flat tire on the way to work.

• Question: “What am I trying to protect myself from?”

• Answer: “I don’t want to get fired.”

• Question: “What evidence am I not considering?”

• Answer: “My manager was also on that bus, and she told me afterward that I’m up for a promotion.”

• Reflection: “Being late to the meeting didn’t jeopardize my chances of getting a promotion. My job is safe."

3. Talk to yourself as you would your best friend

For those of us who tend to self-criticize, we’re often more compassionate toward others than we are toward ourselves. If self-compassion feels unfamiliar, a good starting point is to talk to yourself as you would your best friend. Chances are, your tone and language would be far more positive and supportive.

4. Give your inner critic a name

This may sound odd, but naming your inner critic can help create distance from self-criticisms, allowing you to investigate them rather than accept them as automatic truths. A name also helps you see these criticisms as separate from yourself.

(My inner critic is named “Daria.” Like the MTV character, Daria tends to be very cynical and pessimistic. While she means well, the way she communicates her concerns isn’t always supportive.)

5. Label it

When you notice yourself engaging in self-criticism, try saying: “I’m having the thought that [insert self-criticism]…” This creates distance between you and your thoughts, reinforcing the idea that you are not your thoughts. For example, “I’m a bad friend” has a different emotional impact than “I’m having the thought that I’m a bad friend.”

6. Say it out loud

It’s often much easier to be harsh on ourselves in the privacy of our own minds. Sometimes we don’t realize how critical we are until we say our thoughts aloud. Speaking them can make us more aware — and can help us decide if those thoughts are worth keeping.

In the end...

Your inner critic isn’t going anywhere — it’s part of how your brain is wired. But you can change the relationship you have with it. By questioning its motives, checking its “facts,” and responding with curiosity and compassion, you can turn that inner critic from a ruthless judge into a cautious advisor. The goal isn’t to silence your inner critic — it’s to make sure it’s no longer the loudest voice in the room. And over time, as you practice, you might just notice that it speaks up less often — and when it does, you’ll know exactly how to answer back.